Why Has Sex Changed Since Having Children?

If sex feels different since having children, you’re not alone. Many couples notice changes in their sex life after becoming parents. You may have less sex, less desire, or find that sex feels more difficult to initiate and enjoy. This doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship; parenthood can simply change the circumstances around sex in some very practical and emotional ways.

You’re exhausted

It’s difficult to feel interested in sex when you’re running on very little sleep and spending much of your day looking after someone else. Many mothers report feeling “touched out” after hours of breastfeeding, carrying and contact napping, so the last thing they feel like is giving more of themselves physically to another.

For either parent, when you’re exhausted, your body may simply prioritise rest over sexual activity. This can be especially difficult when one partner wants sex more often than the other, potentially creating feelings of rejection, pressure or resentment.

There’s less space for desire

Before children, intimacy may have happened relatively spontaneously. As parents, there may be very little privacy, time or opportunity. You might also spend much of your day in ‘parent' mode’, organising, planning, caring, working, problem-solving and remembering countless things that need to be done or considered. Switching from this state into feeling sexual and romantic can feel near impossible. Whilst for some people desire can happen spontaneously, for others it develops after taking time to relax, connect and become physically affectionate.

Your body and identity may have changed

Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and the physical changes that can follow can affect how you feel about your body and your sexuality. You may experience pain, discomfort or prolapsing. It’s possible you have little time to exercise or tend to your appearance like you used to and find this knocks your confidence.

You may also be adjusting to a new identity as a parent. It can take time to reconnect with the parts of yourself that existed before becoming a mum or dad.

The relationship itself may have changed

Sex doesn't happen in isolation from the rest of your relationship. If you’re feeling resentful, criticised, unsupported or emotionally distant, it can be difficult to feel sexually connected.

Sometimes the issue isn't simply “we aren't having enough sex”. It may actually be that you’re missing affection, attention, playfulness, closeness or a sense of being a couple rather than roommates.

How can you reconnect?

Start by taking the pressure off having sex. Talk about what you both miss, what gets in the way and what helps you feel close. Affection, physical touch, conversation and time together can all help rebuild a sense of connection, so start small, and remember that intimacy doesn't have to lead to sex.

If you’re stuck in a cycle of avoidance, pressure, rejection or resentment, relationship therapy can help you understand what is happening between you and find ways to reconnect. At Parentime, I can help you explore the relationship patterns, expectations and circumstances affecting your intimacy, without blame or judgement. Find out more about Couples Therapy here.